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| Love & Lust Sun, sea, sand and sex...If ur single just mingle.. |
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#1
12-09-2007, 01:36 AM
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Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
hey guys............mm.....i wrote this poem.....so i thought that i should share it with you guys.....and i m expecting Honest answers.....which is going to help me imporving my skills
 .........here u go :mein tu musafiroon ke safr main phans sa gaya hoon ik reth ke samundar mein dhas sa gaya hoon rastoon ki hair-pher main ulajh sa gaya hoon na jane kis galti ka gunah-gar bun sa gaya hoon asmaan ke sitaroon ki tarah bhatak sa gaya hoon is pathar dil shehar mein phisal sa gaya hoon pani ki ik bond ke liye taras sa gaya hoon ek bhi aur sans se bus ab dar sa gaya hoon teri katilana adayoun se bus mur sa gaya hoon mein andhera bhari rahoon mein ab thak sa gaya hoon is ishq ke ajeeb khel mein mazak bun sa gaya hoon tujhe chahne ke baad kuch badal sa gaya hoon bari dair se intezar mein khara jum sa gaya hoon toofano ka samna kerte kerte murda sa bun gaya hoon hawayoun ke is zoor-o-shor se ab dar sa gaya hoon khushi ke ik zarray ke liye tadap sa gaya hoon mein be-inteha muhabat ka ik shikar bun gaya hoon teri bewafiyoun se wafa-dar bun sa gaya hoon tujh se bicharnay ke baad kch toot sa gaya hoon teri khatir main khushiyoun se bichad sa gaya hoon be-kasoor hone ke ba-wajood bhi mujrim sa ho gaya hoon hazaroon main hoon phir bhi tanhaa sa ho gaya hoon teri bin jeenay ki aadat si hoo gayi hai phir bhi teri raah mein majnu bun sa gaya hoon mere har lafz mein tera hi be-inteha tasavur hai lekin afsos ke tujhey samjhane main nakam sa ho gaya hoon |
| The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to handsom For This Useful Post: | ||
∂ąT.KiиG (12-22-2007), connectinglives (12-22-2007), dilshad (12-14-2007), Juliet (12-17-2007), KandarpOnly (12-09-2007), preetesh8 (12-12-2007) | ||
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#2
12-09-2007, 01:55 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
Most of the lines are pretty good but it does not really flow well. In the first few lines you give a feeling that you are lost after loosing your beloved. Then you say that you are waiting for your beloved. Then again you end saying that I have learned to love without it it. The last line gives a feeling that it was your fault as you could not understand your beloved.
I think you just have to arrange the lines so that it flows smoothly Oh ya...this line doesn't fit well : tujhe chahne ke baad kuch badal sa gaya hoon Nice effort |
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#3
12-09-2007, 06:27 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
good one...i m not an expert abt these things but i think that it'll be better if u can break it into sets of few lines...but good expression...
keep it up majnu...lol |
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#4
12-09-2007, 08:17 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
the poem is good, but you might want to try putting the lines in verses and somehow still keep the touch u have in this poem, but its a nice poem.....whose it for
...lol... |
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#5
12-17-2007, 01:18 PM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
oooo how did i miss dis thread
 nice attempt haider  ONE QUESTION - "lekin afsos ke tujhey samjhane main nakam sa ho gaya hoon" whos she?? |
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#6
12-21-2007, 10:56 PM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
umm.........thnx for ur honest and nice comments............
@ rani and Juliet.........umm.......hai koii :$:$ |
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#7
12-21-2007, 11:15 PM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
haan aaj kal Haider is on Cloud 9
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#9
12-22-2007, 02:19 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
Ehsaas use bhi hoga ek din apni jafa ka
rula dega use ek din khayal meri wafa ka usne insaan sa sulook bhi na kiya mujhse jis insaan ko maine darja diya khuda ka... |
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#10
12-22-2007, 03:26 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
^^...wah wah..aaj kal kya ho rah hai...
zara hume to batao kaun hai who??...... |
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#11
12-22-2007, 04:41 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
Ehsaas use bhi hoga ek din apni jafa ka
rula dega use ek din khayal meri wafa ka usne insaan sa sulook bhi na kiya mujhse jis insaan ko maine darja diya khuda ka... @ handsom did u write this? |
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#12
12-22-2007, 05:49 AM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
^^dont think he did, caz I have read that shayari before.
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#15
12-22-2007, 05:49 PM
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Re: Kya se kya Bun gaya hoon - Written by 'handsom'
Quote:
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